Growing as a Parent: Four Key Areas That Matter

Dr. Jenna Brough - Perinatal Clinical Psychologist

Becoming a parent is one of life’s biggest transformations. Whether you’re breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or both, caring for your baby is about far more than nourishment - it’s about emotional connection, identity, and growth. Beyond the practical tasks, parenting shapes who you are.

There’s no one-size-fits-all path, but four key areas can help you grow into the parent you want to be: self-compassion, authenticity, flexibility, and attachment. Here's how they can guide you - and how to begin strengthening them.

Self-Compassion: From Critical to Kind

Parenting can be joyful - and exhausting! Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care you’d offer a close friend. Research shows it can reduce parental stress and burnout [1], protect mental health during challenges [2], and support greater warmth and responsiveness in parenting [3]. It’s also linked to empathy [4], secure attachment [5], and healthier co-regulation between parent and child [6].

How to grow self-compassion:

Talk to yourself like a friend: When you miss a cue or feel overwhelmed, replace harsh self-critism with kindness. Instead of "I should be coping better.". Try: "I'm doing my best. What would I say to a friend?"
Rest without guilt: You're not lazy for lying down when your baby naps. Rest is care everyone deserves.
Take small pauses. Even a few minutes of breathing, quiet, drinking water mindfully can help you eat.

Authenticity: Parenting in Line with Your Values

Being authentic doesn’t mean being perfect - it means being real. It’s about parenting in a way that reflects who you are and what matters most to you. That might look different from what you expected, or from how others are doing it, and that’s okay. When parents feel connected to their values, they tend to experience less anxiety and guilt [7]. This emotional stability benefits children, who learn from their parent’s consistency and honesty [8].

How to grow authenticity:

Name your values. What kind of parent do you want to be - even during hard moments? Words like “kind,” “patient,” or “responsive” might come to mind. These can be your internal compass when you’re navigating challenges or doubting yourself.
Pause before reacting. Ask, “Am I responding from my values - or my overwhelm?”
Focus on what feels good, not what looks good. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison - especially on social media. But parenting isn’t a performance. You don’t have to “look” like a good parent to be one. Focus on connection, not appearances.

Flexibility: Adopting Without Losing Yourself

Parenting is full of changes. Routines shift, babies grow, and expectations are constantly challenged. Flexibility - the ability to adapt without losing your sense of self - is one of the strongest predictors of parental well-being [9]. Parents who can adjust without rigid expectations tend to respond more calmly and model problem-solving effectively [10].

How to grow flexibility:

Name what’s not working. “I thought I’d enjoy breastfeeding, but it’s tough.” Naming reality makes room for change.
Make small shifts. Ask, “What’s one thing I could try today?” It might be changing a routine or accepting help.
Zoom out. One tough day doesn’t erase the care you offer over time.

Attachment: Building a Secure Bond

At the heart of parenting is connection. Attachment is the emotional bond between you and your baby, and it shapes how they experience the world. Secure attachment doesn’t require perfection - it’s built through consistent, responsive care and moments of repair after disconnection. Research shows that responding accurately to your baby’s cues just 30–60% of the time is enough to support secure attachment [11–12].

How to grow attachment:

Slow down - tune in. Eye contact, gentle touch, and responding to your baby’s signals build trust.
Repair when needed. If you snap during a hard moment, reconnect with comfort. This teaches your child that relationships can survive stress.
Value small rituals. A cuddle after feeding, a lullaby, or a morning smile become powerful anchors.
Remember your needs. Secure attachment isn’t about self-sacrifice. The more supported and regulated you are, the more you can offer your baby.

Final Thought

Growth as a parent unfolds in ordinary moments: a deep breath in frustration, a shared smile at 3am, a quiet reminder that you’re learning too. These four areas aren’t boxes to check. They’re lifelong practices that help you parent with calm, clarity, and connection.

References

1. Neff, K.D., & Faso, D.J. (2015). Self-compassion and well-being in parents of children with autism. Mindfulness, 6, 938–947.

2. Moreira, H., et al. (2015). Maternal attachment and children’s quality of life: The mediating role of self-compassion. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24(8), 2332–2344.

3. Gouveia, M.J., et al. (2016). Self-compassion and mindfulness are associated with parenting styles and stress. Mindfulness, 7, 700–712.

4. Neff, K.D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223–250.

5. Borelli, J.L., et al. (2020). Secure base script knowledge and caregiving behavior. Attachment & Human Development, 22(3), 267–284.

6. Kirby, J.N., et al. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions. Behavior Therapy, 48(6), 778–792.

7. Condon, E.M., & Feldman, R. (2020). Parental authenticity and well-being in early parenting. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(5), 563–574.

8. Fonagy, P., et al. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. New York: Other Press.

9. Kashdan, T.B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.

10. Coyne, L.W., et al. (2011). Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 20(2), 379–399.

11. Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment. London: Hogarth Press.

12. Tronick, E.Z., & Cohn, J.F. (1989). Infant-mother interaction and miscoordination. Child Development, 60(1), 85–92.